Hope

I am convinced that Pete Egoscue, author of many chronic pain books, and by trade, a medical professional (physiologist) who deals with people who have chronic pain, is the one thing that may have helped to reduce my pain recently. It was suggested by a massage therapist for me to read his books if I could find them and I devoured his book titled Pain Free at Your PC. And afterwards I did twenty minutes of exercises directed to those PC users who are already in pain and I honestly thought I felt a difference laying in bed that night! My fingers in my right hand were tingling.

As I type this, I am by no mean NOT in pain, in fact I still hurt very much when I'm using my computer which makes it hard to try and commit myself to returning to work just yet. This frustrates me beyond belief but I realize I am doing what I can to change things and change may be slower than I like but at least for the first time in three months I feel like I have hope and that is better than nothing at all! When you lose hope while dealing with chronic pain you may as well say you've given up completely.

My health is my number one priority right now and it's going to have to remain that way for awhile and probably for the rest of my life really because when you think about it, what else can you focus on if you do NOT have your health to back you up in your daily life?

If I could sleep through the night just once and not wake up in pain, that would be a bonus. To me, the lack of sleep is affecting my life. I am not making appointments for nine a.m anymore. I overslept this morning and missed my counseling appointment. I woke up a half hour late and immediately called her and we chatted on the phone which helps just the same I would imagine. In fact I felt more natural talking to her on the phone today than I ever have in her office. Not sure if she is really helping in regards to the anxiety this whole ordeal is causing me, specifically the worry over my job situation about letting down my co-workers, missing out and losing the few skills I struggled to learn to begin with! I am almost afraid to return to work for fear that I can not do the job I was capable of doing before I started to hurt. Being a perfectionist, for me I find if I can't do things right, why do them at all? I need to get past this in order to get back to where I was and hopefully if I can get this pain under control I will get there and until then, my co-workers will just have to wait. I've been told not to focus so much on what other people might be thinking. How am I to really know what they are thinking? I guess for me, the fact that my work didn't bother to send me a 'get well' card makes me wonder if they really support me with this or perhaps they are thinking I'm faking the whole thing! If that's the case, then I guess I really don't want to work with people who would think such a thing anyway. I try and tell myself that I'd been there long enough for them to get to know me and my work ethic and the thought would never cross their minds but you never know and given the fact I have no answers as to when I can possibly return to work, I can understand the possible suspicion that could arise. I know what a hard working gal I've been throughout the years.

I could write all kinds of funny things about the things I've done at my past jobs, the comments other co-workers have said about me, so many people to vouch for my character over the years. I've often gone way above the call of duty just to get a task done for someone and it's nice to be recognized for it and so for me this whole taking three or more months off work is unheard of. I've never been on employment insurance other than maternity leave benefits and I hope I never have to go down this road again. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that it exists and by the time my benefits expire and the end of May I will be wishing they lasted longer if I'm not pain free but to be honest, Pain and I are getting accustomed to our little relationship we've got going on. Better to accept it and move on with my life!